I am an external processor, and this sometimes frustrates my husband. He is the opposite. God has given these different styles within marriage and friendships to encourage one another. There are times when I need to process my heart with others, while there are moments when I need to learn to process my heart before God alone. Recently I learnt a new way to process my fears and frustrations on my own in a way that moves me to emotional health.
In September 2023, I was going through a season in life where I wasn’t able to calm down on my own. I seemed to be constantly flustered, agitated, or frustrated during this season. I was being an anxious presence at home. I was taking it out on my family and loved ones and didn’t know how to get out of the downward spiral and the rut I had fallen into. However much I tried to read the Bible or pray, I felt like I was hitting my head against a wall.
I would go to sleep crying and wake up exhausted. My days were spent in anxious pacing. I felt like I was living alone in constant confusion. My mind was a mess. I felt like no one could understand what I was going through at that point. I myself couldn’t understand what was going on in my head. There were just disjointed, jumbled words swimming in my head.
During that time, I reached out to my counsellor. Even after I had started counselling sessions, I was still a mess. Even though I was a pastor’s wife and knew many things theoretically, I wasn’t putting anything into practice. I was mad, upset, angry, bitter, sad, lonely and confused. I felt stupid for the most part of the confusion. My counsellor gave me this advice. “If you feel you need to vent, then vent with Jesus. Find a quiet place and tell Him your worries, concerns, and frustrations. That’s what the Psalmist did when he was upset. God welcomes your cries and frustrations. He also can calm our hearts as we learn to leave our problems in His care. Rewrite Psalm 86 in your words.”
And just as she suggested, I decided to rewrite Psalm 86 in my own words. Written below is Psalm 86 and my rendition of it.
Psalm 86
A prayer of David
(A desperate cry of Deepa)
1 Hear me, Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy.
(God I’m crying out to you, can you hear me? Can you see me? Please, please listen to me. Don’t I look so pitiful? I’m poor, and I’m desperately needy. I’m needy for physical touch, for verbal affirmation, for a glimmer of hope that things will be fine. I’m needy. I'm desperate)
2 Guard my life, for I am faithful to You; save your servant who trusts in You. You are my God;
(God protect me, protect my husband, protect the kids. Guard me, please. Guard us. Cause I’m not able to protect anyone or anything in my life. I have no confidence in myself. But I trust in You, God. You are my God; I have no one else. I can’t run anywhere else but to You. Help me, please.)
3 Have mercy on me, Lord, for I call to you all day long.
(Lord, do You see me? Do You hear me? I’m crying out to You. I feel like that’s all I’m doing. I’m crying out to You day and night. I have an unforgiving spirit and bitterness. Please, will You have mercy on me? Please, will You help me?)
4 Bring joy to Your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in You.
(I’m not able to make myself happy. Won’t You fill me with Your joy? My body language is only showing sadness and disappointment. Please, will You fill me with joy that comes out even through my body language? I don’t want to pretend or perform before anyone. I genuinely want to be joyful all the time. I trust You, God, cause I can’t do it alone. I can’t. I’m not able to. I need Your help, God, please)
5 You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to You.
(Lord, You are a good Father; you have forgiven me much, and You continue to forgive me. Will You fill me with Your love and help me forgive? Please help me. I’m not able to show compassion or love or forgive on my own strength. Help me, please. Thank you that You overflow with love to those who call on You. I’m calling on You. Fill me with Your love and compassion that it overflows in my life too. Please, I need You to help me.)
6 Hear my prayer, Lord; listen to my cry for mercy.
(God, do You see me? Do You hear me? I’m crying out to You. Listen to me, please. Show me mercy. Please help me.)
7 When I am in distress, I call to You because You answer me.
(Lord, my soul is really disturbed and distressed, and I don’t even know how to help myself. I’m crying out to You. Please answer. Thank You because You’ve come through for me in the past, so I know You’ll answer me when I call.)
8 Among the gods there is none like You, Lord; no deeds can compare with Yours.
(Lord, in my life, I have built many gods, but among them, there is none like You. Because all my gods and all my heart idols fail me, none of the things they do can redeem me or rescue me or compare with anything You have done for me in my life.)
9 All the nations You have made will come and worship before You, Lord; they will bring glory to Your name.
(Lord God You are the creator of every nation, every tribe, every people group. I see this in my church, Lord. I see various kinds of people from different backgrounds coming together to worship You. I want to worship along with them and glorify Your name.)
10 For You are great and do marvelous deeds; You alone are God.
(God, I want to worship You because You are great, and You do amazing things, marvelous things. God-sized things, miracles, and wonders that only You can do. You alone are God. It’s only possible with You.)
11 Teach me Your way, Lord, that I may rely on Your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name.
(Lord, teach me to be like You - kind and compassionate, meeting people’s needs like You meet mine. Please teach me to be like You. I know You’re faithful, so I can rely on You. Lord, let not my heart be pulled in 100 different directions. Because right now, that’s how I feel. I feel so confused and scared and lonely and bitter and angry. My heart feels pulled. But please give me an undivided heart, give me a single minded devotion toward You.)
12 I will praise You, Lord, my God, with all my heart; I will glorify Your name forever.
(Lord when my heart is undivided and completely rested in You, I will praise You God. Because only You have the power to calm my anxious, worried heart.)
13 For great is Your love toward me; You have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead.
(Lord, I know that Your love for me is great, never-ending, and never stopping. Your love pursued me and delivered me from my worst depths. Your love redeemed me and rescued me from eternal death and separation from You. Thank You, Lord, for Jesus and what He did for me on that cross. Thank You for this great love that You have toward me)
14 Arrogant foes are attacking me, O God; ruthless people are trying to kill me—they have no regard for You.
(Lord, I feel like the enemy is out to attack me and ruin me and my family. Ruin our peace and sanity, our love and joy. The evil one has no regard for You, God. I feel like our family is under assault. Help God, please help. If this is spiritual warfare, I need You to fight it for us. I have no strength or power to fight this.)
15 But You, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
(The enemy is ruthless and trying to destroy me and my peace, but You, Lord, are loving and compassionate. You see me. You hear me. You see my tears, you hear my cry when no one does, You see me, You hear me. You’re with me; you see me with compassion. You are gracious toward me; even though I’m the one messing things up, You still see me with compassion; you still have abounding love toward me. Thank You. Even when I don’t deserve it, You are abounding in love and faithfulness. You are faithful, and I can trust You.)
16 Turn to me and have mercy on me; show Your strength on behalf of Your servant; save me because I serve You just as my mother did.
(God, look at me and show me mercy. I have no strength. I’m physically and emotionally worn out. I’m tired. They’re saying I have to be emotionally strong, but I’m not able. I need Your strength. I’m not able to do this on my own. I need Your strength to sustain me physically and emotionally. Help me, please. You’ve come through for my mother when she’s cried out to You. I’ve seen You come through for her. Come through for me now. Help me also, please)
17 Give me a sign of Your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for You, Lord, have helped me and comforted me.
(Lord, in some tangible way, won’t You show me Your goodness? In some way that I understand? I know everything in my head; please move it to my heart. Show me a sign of Your goodness that the devil may see and shudder and be put to shame. You’ve done it for me on that cross. You’ve already accomplished it. Remind me in some tangible way. Thank you for listening to me. For understanding me and for meeting me with compassion, kindness, and mercy. Help me to be the same to my family today.)
By the end of the exercise, I felt a lot more calm. I felt like God had heard me and would come through for me. My agitated spirit felt at rest. Journaling the psalm, in my own words, was an outlet for my frustration. Being an external processor, this exercise helped me work through my feelings and emotions in a calm way.
Are you an external processor like me? Try engaging with a psalm and write it in your own words as a prayer. The psalmist gives us language for our frustrations and feelings. Our emotions are real, and sometimes they’re too heavy to bear. But God invites us to bring it to Him. He can bear it. Because He has already borne our sin, shame, guilt, worry, and fear. He can handle us as we are now. He sees you, He hears you, He knows you, He knows your pain and your shame, and yet He loves you with a never-ending and never-ceasing love. This eternal and enormous love gives me the confidence to step out of my confusion with a clearer head.
Photo by Artem Kovalev on Unsplash
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
