Am I a narcissist? Is my spouse a narcissist? It's a tricky question to answer gently. My instinctive response leans towards acknowledging Dr. Tim Keller's observation on our unawareness of our own narcissism, “We are far more narcissistic than we know.”
From the very beginning in the garden, God intended for us to discover meaning and significance not by turning inward but by being known and loved by Him. The center and source of real joy is not found inside of us but outside of us - in Jesus.
But for some individuals, it's a genuine struggle to look beyond themselves, a trait broadly known as narcissism. This is derived from the Greek myth of a man named Narcissus, who was enamored with his own reflection.
Narcissism can be described as an excessive focus on oneself, leading to pride, self-centeredness, a lack of empathy for others, manipulation, arrogance, and a sense of entitlement.
When we look at the definition, many may think it doesn't apply to us. However, the reality is that we all exhibit various sinful tendencies of narcissism.
Romans 12:3 says, “For the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.”
Scripture reminds us to have a humble view of ourselves, aligning our identity, worth, and purpose with God's perspective rather than our inflated self-image.
Here are some reasons ways narcissism can be a blind spot for each of us:
1. Lack of Self-Awareness: Narcissistic people may not realise how their actions are influenced by their self-centred ways.
How do I respond when someone shares their vulnerabilities with me? Do I offer empathy and support, or do I inadvertently redirect the conversation back to myself?
2. Justification and Rationalisation: Narcissistic people make excuses for their actions to look good. They might twist the truth or blame others for the problems.
How do I handle setbacks? Do I approach them with an open mind and a willingness to grow, or do I instinctively perceive them as personal attacks?
3. Inability to Accept Criticism or Receive Feedback: Narcissistic people hate criticism, are not open to feedback or listening to others’ opinions or perspectives, and may get defensive or lash out when told about their behaviour.
In conflict or disagreement, do I prioritise understanding the other person's perspective, or am I solely focused on defending my own?
4. Idealised Self-Image: Narcissistic people may see themselves as superior and unique.
When was the last time I wholeheartedly celebrated someone else's success without feeling overshadowed or envious?
5. Enabling Environment: Sometimes, people may have others around them who support and protect their behaviour.
Do I surround myself with people who have never corrected or disagreed with me?
Awareness of narcissism in one's heart involves cultivating self-awareness, humility, and a deep understanding of biblical teachings. Here are some practical things to consider:
Self-Reflection: Consider your thoughts, actions, and why you do things. Be honest about your tendencies towards self-centeredness, pride, or lack of empathy.
Compare to Biblical Standards: Measure your attitudes and behaviours against the teachings of Jesus. See if your actions match up with values like being humble, loving others, and putting others before yourself, as scripture outlines.
Seek Feedback: This will require humility and prayer before the ask. Talk to friends, family, or mentors you trust about how you act. Their feedback can give you helpful insights into recognising any self-centred behaviors.
Prayer: Spend time in prayer, seeking God's guidance and wisdom. Ask for clarity in recognising and addressing any narcissistic traits within yourself.
The gospel brings hope by redirecting this self-absorption. Jesus, the epitome of humility (Philippians 2), offers a contrasting perspective. In a world consumed by self-focus, He brings the freedom of self-forgetfulness.
By actively engaging in self-reflection, seeking guidance from Scripture, praying, and being open to feedback, you can grow more aware of narcissistic tendencies in yourself and work on reflecting Christ.
Photo by Fausto Sandoval on Unsplash
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